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In today’s #RandyTales, our hero talks about new friends, new experiences, and gets an art-on… and leaves the innuendo (mostly) to Coach Nikki…

I have always had a weird relationship with art. I don’t have any conventional “art” skills. I can’t draw a straight line nor even a meaningful stick figure. I can’t identify different art styles or even talk intelligently about anything related to it. However I have always gravitated towards artists. Aside from Goddess, all my major relationships have had some kind of formal art background, be it art history, art degrees, or actual artists. And I have picked up a few bits via some form of osmosis.

When Goddess said she wanted to do one of those “wine & paint” things that soccer moms seem to gravitate towards for her birthday – I was super excited! I had never done that before. I don’t drink (especially not wine) and took one art class in high school that I vaguely remember for reasons that should be obvious by now. This was simply going to be art for art’s sake!

Joining us was Violet with her new guy & Coach Nikki. Coach Nikki is a sex therapist and someone who I don’t get to spend nearly enough time around in non-party settings. I don’t spend enough time around Violet, but I have known her for 20+ years. And it is always good to be around good people in different settings.

We arrived at the studio and had the class to ourselves – because really the people I love to hang out with aren’t for most of society. Our instructor, Dan, welcomed us and showed us what we would be painting – a tropical sunset themed black-light reactive painting. Black-lights are a rather questionable choice at Castle Snark… still not sure how Mamba managed to spell his name out like that… but it is nice to display art no matter the artist or medium!

As I sat down to listen to Instructor Dan give us instructions on how to make this masterpiece, I thought about great-grandmother who learned to paint at 80 by watching Bob Ross. I have been watching him for years and though we weren’t using his technique, tools, or afro – I was prepared for this!

Seven minutes in, I screwed up the instructions. I don’t have a soft touch, have no idea what “blending” or “stippling” are, and as I have previously mentioned – don’t have a fucking clue what I am doing. But guess what, dear reader? I didn’t fucking care! No one was judging what I did, and surprisingly that included myself. I was doing art for art’s sake!

As I worked on my masterpiece, I looked over to Coach Nikki’s. Hers looked amazing! Nikki does have a soft touch (at least that’s what I have heard) and was working some of her favor things into the painting – genitals and boobs. And I naturally had to make my usual comments on it – if my penis was ejaculating foliage, I would definitely need to see a doctor, those aren’t moons – they’re boobies!, etc….

In between innuendos and alleged painting, I was getting to know Violet’s new guy. I’ll give him a name later. I like this guy! I like him more than the first guy of hers. And seeing how happy he makes her would be enough. But he is an awesome person for a skinny white guy with dreads.

When the class was over, I looked at all the other paintings – fabulous one and all. Mine looked like a serial killer painted it. That isn’t necessarily an insult. As I said, I have spent some time looking at those paintings. Serial killers have a fundamentally different view on reality, which comes out in their art. They paint what they perceive.

And Bob Ross might have been painting where he hid the bodies.

I made my serial killer comment in front of Instructor Dan. He said, “there are a lot of interesting things happening in this painting.” While I put all the elements into the painting, I put my own spin on it. I didn’t confirm or beat myself up.

As the Chairman once said, I did it my way. Just like every thing else in my life.