In today’s #RandyTales, our hero confronts the spirit of someone who isn’t dead yet… at least I don’t think they’re dead…
While I have been on this healing journey, the spirit of my father has been haunting me. No, he’s not actually dead… at least I don’t think he’s dead. I would like to think some one might have informed me if he was, but it could also be a clerical error. Or someone just wanting to NOT set me off on any given bad day.
I haven’t spoken to my father in over a decade. Last thing I heard about him was he retired from his second government job. His biological son, my brother aka the cop, lives a few doors down from him in Bumble Fuck Nowhere, Oklahoma. His step son probably moved closer and is still lobbying for whatever cause is antithetical to my life. He has a few grandkids who aren’t Agents of Chaos running around completing his Norman Rockwell golden years without any reminders of his failings.
Yet another reason why I am fucked up… like I really need another…
I’ve spent a lot of my adult life trying to heal up all these “daddy issues” (now available for men!). I’ve worked on forgiving him, forgiving myself, unlearning those lessons, reframing the perspectives, and healing a lot of generational trauma passed down. I taught myself how to “be a man” in this world that is changing what that phrase means. I have fought to be the father to my children that I wish he had been to me. And I have come a long, long way. And I am DAMN PROUD of all those accomplishments!
So why do I still feel him inside me? Why do I get upset and worry about becoming him? Why do I hear myself saying some of the same things as him? Why do I wake up every single day and can’t just coast on being me, but fighting to NOT be him? Why do I get upset and can feel him like some kind of demonic possession screaming to get out?
Because, dear reader, I am as amazing as I am because of how spectacularly shitty he was. He made me who I am. My struggles and battles are what keep me from being him. I am defined by my accomplishments, which were inspired by him defining my failures. His traumas and toxicity are a fundamental part of me. And I have taken those negative things, learned from them, and become immune and able to help others heal from similar wounds.
Now I realize I keep re-opening decades old wounds and feeling all that pain to fuel my path forward. He isn’t haunting me – I’m summoning him! I’ve made my monster into my motivation! And so long as I keep bringing him and his sins into my reality, I can always remind myself of how much better I am.
What kind of sick logic is running this Chaos Engine?!
These generational traumas end with me. I will take the hurts so that my boys will not know those pains. I will continue to be the man that I wish he had been, be the father that my children deserve so they can become the men this world needs. However – I *have* to figure out a way to this that minimizes my pain. What martyr-filled lessons am I teaching without realizing it?
There are a few options of what to do – some a little more “shocking” than others. I am going to start with the less invasive ones. I’ve never really talked online about my father, and we all know if I don’t post it here it isn’t real. Some part of me is still trying to respect a man who I don’t have respect for. My therapist pointed that out – I still call him “Dad”. That is a term of endearment that I take pride in with my children. Why would I refer to him like that?
Every time I make some breakthrough in my journey, I feel like I’m back sliding. I know I’m not. I know that some of the challenges in front of me are directly related to challenges I have (or more likely *should* have) faced. My “daddy issues” are so intertwined in me that I’m not sure where the root of it is… or even how to deal with it. That’s why I have a therapist, a psychiatrist, an amazing partner, a Nana, two Agents of Chaos, a pantheon of chaos entities, and you – dear reader – to support me. Gene [REDACTED] could overpower a scared little boy who didn’t know what he was doing wrong or why he was being punished.
Let’s see him try that shit with that same little boy with a menagerie of mythical beings behind him!