Menu Close

Randy’s Rules of Acid

In today’s #RandyTales, our hero shifts from personal growth to personal destruction with “Randy’s Rules of Acid”…

After I wrote about “The Rules of Randy” – my personal code of ethics – I was reminded of that other set of Rules I had written down. These rules are very specific and often get relayed to psychonauts in training.

My Rules of Acid have been around for many years, but I never actually wrote them down because “drugs are bad, m’kay?” As I have gotten older, and given less of a shit about what people think, I have put more thought into them. I have friends who have rules about when & how often they do other drugs, so why not formulate my list so that you – my sweet and innocent readers – can have some insights in case you ever delve into the deep end of drug usage:

1) You don’t find acid, acid finds you –
Yes – I stole this one from Hunter. He’s dead and not using it. But the sentiment is slightly different when I say it. If you go out and look for acid, odds are you’re not in the right head space to enjoy it. You’re trying to capture something with expectations, and that is a bad mix when ingesting LSD. Not to say that acid trips can’t be spontaneous, but even when you’re planning to trip – it means that you’re open to whatever happens. And that is a good place to start.

2) You can not fly.
I remember hearing stories as a proto-degenerate in training about people taking acid and then jumping off roofs and out of windows. Seriously? Acid doesn’t give you super power – it simply unlocks the super powers you already have… or at least that I what I tell myself. Focus on staying on the ground and for God’s sake – don’t try to fly an airplane either!

2a) You can not drive while on acid.
I feel like adding this only because I have had too many people tell me about driving on acid. This just sounds like a horrible idea.

3) Fire is hot and you are flammable.
I get it – you see fire and some primordial part of you that is descended from moths says “I want to be one with that”. I am a fire spinner and a firefighter’s kid – I am predisposed to do stupid shit with and around fire. But I also respect fire no matter how spun out I am – and know that it will fucking hurt no matter how altered you are. Fire is pretty – keep your distance.

4) No, you don’t need any more right now.
“This isn’t doing shit – let’s do some more!” is the acid equivalent of “hold my beer”. While it is true you will get a dud every now and again, usually it is just taking a while for it to kick in. I never re-up before an hour, because I have had stuff that took that long to kick in. And remember, I’m not know for things like ‘self-control’. Just wait – especially if your friends are already tripping. Which is a lovely segue into…

5) Never leave your buddy!
Acid is a team sport, so if you are doing it – have a buddy. Whether they are on acid or not (rolly friends are great trip sitters), it is important to have some one make sure you don’t do more than one stupid thing at a time. Establish a buddy before you blast off, and stick with them. Your buddy wants to go look at this shiny thing? Time for an adventure! Leaving your buddy behind is a dick move.

6) Do NOT look in the mirror
When you are on acid, your perceptions are altered. And no perception is more altered than how you look at yourself. Looking in a mirror will cause you to see things in yourself that you probably aren’t ready to see – especially in the fluorescent light of most bathrooms. Not to say it can’t be therapeutic, but that is a whole other thing. Just avoid mirrors.

6a) Do NOT look down (in a port-o-potty)
I’m not going to expand too much on this. Just don’t do it. You can thank me later.

7) It’s Just a Ride
It’s just a ride. There will be highs and lows, but it is just a ride. Remember you chose to get on this ride… unless you were dosed and in that case, skip ahead to the next rule. The ride will end at some point. So just enjoy it.

8) Bad Trips
I have been doing this shit for over 30 years. And I have had bad trips. Bad trips are typically caused by three things: bad headspace, bad product, or too much.

9) Emergency exit procedures
Sometimes, for whatever reason, this trip is not going how you like. Maybe you did look in the mirror and saw your dead grandmother chastising your life choices. Maybe you did light your polyester suit on fire trying to light a cigarette. Maybe you are just ready to be off the ride. Emergency exit procedures are simply things that you (or more likely a sober-ish buddy) can do to pull the brakes. Benadryl, Valium, a quiet room, maybe just someone to talk to… these are all good things to have if you’re going to be doing this degenerate shit. And you might just need to take the edge off for a bit – things get awfully weird when you’re playing with your brain chemistry… But always have an exit procedure… or do acid with me.