In today’s #RandyTales, our hero owns up to his behavior and gets back on the couch…
I walked into my therapist’s office & sat down. No playful banter or any of the other things that we usually do. I wasn’t mad – more shame than anything. I hadn’t seen him in more months than I want to admit. Oh – I can give you a lot of very rational & logical reasons why I hadn’t. But the truth was much simpler.
“How have you been?” he asked.
“I’m back in here,” I replied. “So not nearly as good as I would hope to report.”
“Well, you’re back in here so that’s a positive step. Do you want to talk about it?”
“Why I behaved like a child and stormed out because I didn’t want to entertain your suggestions?”
“If that is how you want to frame it,” he replied.
The main topic I threw a temper tantrum over was going on medication. Please understand – I am not against medication. I was on it for a lot of years and it – in my mind – led me to being an emotional chew toy & eventually my suicide attempt. I got off all the prescription meds, started taking more “natural” things and have been doing pretty good for almost 20 years.
But the last couple of years have been unlike most. And I’ve begun to realize that it went back further than that – probably the last decade of my life. I just kept pushing myself through it because I didn’t have a choice. Too many people rely on me for me to break down. Too many people NEED me. So keep pushing! If you can’t do everything, your integrity means NOTHING! If you ask for help, it means you’re WEAK!
Yeah… things have been on a downswing…
We talked for a while about the last few months. We talked about the other topics that I have spoken about ad nauseum here. No point in rehashing them. I’ve held myself to standards that aren’t actually mine. I have developed new anger issues because of wounds that I tried to heal but turned to scars. I’ve internalized so much depression and anxiety rather than processing it. My patience – which has always been one of my strongest characteristics – is desperately low, especially for myself.
And he agreed that I had pushed myself past what could be considered advisable or even healthy. I know – shocking, isn’t it? And at the end, he said he wasn’t going to bring the topic of medication back up… at least not right now. He still thinks it could be a good idea, but I have to get over my aversion to it. We’re going to focus on self-care. We’re going triage these new scars and not just push through them because that’s what I’ve always done.
I did ask one favor of him – I asked a softer touch for a little while. One of the reasons we have worked so well together is he gets me. He understands I need to be pushed and challenged. But right now – I don’t. Right now I need to feel like I can cry and wail and work on those things that I have uncovered in my attempt to “get my shit together”. I will still have the weight of several worlds on my shoulders, but just need another place to take a break… even if it is for an hour a week.
Again – I don’t want this to turn into a “medication” discussion in the comments. I am not opposed to it, which is better than being triggered by the mere mention. I am thankful for all my loved ones (hint: that’s you!) who are on it and doing amazing. I know it would help quickly. I didn’t get broke quickly and am not looking to get healthier quickly. I have shown near-infinite patience with everyone else.
Why not show that to myself?