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Castle Snark

In today’s #RandyTales, our hero introduces you to his ancestral home (since 2018) and why sanctuaries are important…

I call my home “Castle Snark”. It isn’t a castle, but those who call it home are royalty. It sits conveniently located in central FABULOUS Las Vegas. I am 20 minutes from almost everywhere, and its 70s chic exterior does not reveal much of the magic inside.

The full time residents of Castle Snark are myself, my mother – the Southern Sage Madame Snark (aka Nana) – and my sons, the Agents of Chaos: the Conductor & Lil Wolf. But it is a sanctuary for all who come here. After you have been here more than three times, you are no longer a guest. You are now family. The door is always open so long as the light is on. Come in, be comfortable, and take the trash out if necessary.

When you approach Castle Snark, you will be greeted by a sign on the front door which says “NOW LEAVING REALITY”. The doormat explains that “drama” should be left here. A sign by the doorbell camera explains my policy on soliciting. And there is a Christmas wreath on the door.

The Christmas theme continues with the Living Room. The Christmas tree has been up for 4 years now, new ornaments being added all the time. There are stockings hung over the fireplace. Fake presents are under the tree. There are cubbies labeled with all of the Degens who leave crap here.

From there you move into the dinning room & kitchen. The dinning room table is where we eat meals, from random friends cooking, do Basic Bitch Brunches after a night (or two) of making poor life choices. The kitchen is slowly being modernized and welcomes anyone who wants to eat, cook, have a cup of coffee, or have deep conversations.

Outside the sliding doors, you will find the Garden Room. This is the enclosed patio where Madame Snark holds court… and smokes out people dumb enough to think they can out smoke Nana. Seriously, she is my mother afterall. There are plenty of futons which can become a nice place to crash if you are so inclined.

Beyond that is the backyard. There you will find the pool, where we get especially silly during the summer months. There is also the Tiki Bar which is much needed shade during the summer months and grilling station. There is also Hammock Camp, a giant cuddle puddle and rest area. In the corner, one day soon you will see the hot tub – which your tits will look great in.

Back inside, down the hallway lined with pictures of my biological family, you will come to the Studio. This is yet another chill space with a big TV and somewhat comfy couches. This is where I broadcast my show on Shouting Fire, listened to by dozens of people all over the world.

Taking a few steps back, you will ascend the stairs with pictures of Snarky Santa as he grew into the grumpy old man you see today. I really was a cute kid. You will also see pictures of the Agents of Chaos over the years.

At the top, you will find the other bedrooms. The Agents of Chaos’ rooms are off limits. Seriously – you are not ready for the level of chaos and smells contained inside. Their bathroom isn’t much better usually, but we do sterilize it before gatherings.

You will also find Santa’s Workshop – my bedroom. It is my Sanctum Santorum. It is where I can truly be myself. The bookshelves are a collection of mementos of my amazing life. My super comfy over sized bed faces a projector screen, which will show pictures from the infamous Purple Parties – only place in the world where you can see all those pictures. Floating shelves show off my collection of hats, and various pieces of art engage the mind. And yes, there is an extra cuddle puddle in my bedroom because I can only fit seven people comfortably on my bed.

My bathroom… wow… the stories my bathroom could tell. Most of which would be highly illegal. Hooks a plenty for hanging swim suits or lingerie that got wet (it happens a lot here). Over the toilet you will find my guardian angel Leslie – which looks like an exhausted drag queen sitting on a toilet smoking a cigarette. Soon it will be upgraded with a bidet toilet and a whirlpool tub with dual shower heads.

When we bought this house, the goal was to create a sanctuary. Yeah – it is also a party house, but it is a lot more than that. I didn’t have a lot of “safe” places growing up. I spent a lot of days and nights not secure in my living arrangements. That is a horrible feeling, so I wanted to make sure that anyone who comes here feels that security. There is no safer place in this world than here.

And ANYTHING that threatens that sanctity is dealt with quickly. Not just by me, but all the others who feel safe here. I have never had to throw anyone out for disrespecting it, but am always ready to. I am very selective of who I invite in, because it is easier to not invite someone than to deal with broken trust.

There is a special piece of schwag everyone who comes here receives. It is the emblem of Castle Snark with a Latin phrase: “Credo quia absurdum” – “I believe because it is absurd”. This is a home built on love, faith, and imagination. And it is absolutely absurd the things we do and say here.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way!