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In today’s #RandyTales, our hero adds a different kind of mark to himself…

It seems that nothing I say comes across as surprising. Everyone close to me has gotten used to my saying the quiet, sometimes completely inappropriate and/or disgusting, part out loud. Sure there is sometimes the initial shock, but rarely a surprise reaction.

So the reaction I get with the following surprises everyone, including me:

I don’t have any tattoos.

It isn’t that I haven’t wanted to get a tattoo. There is no anxiety or fear of pain. Not even a lack of ideas swirling in my creative mind. And it isn’t even about what to get done first.

It is simply I don’t want to treat myself. I don’t deserve to have something that personal and luxurious with no purpose. Everything should be functional and for the benefit of others.


Goddess drove me to Kaiju Tattoo, here in FABULOUS Las Vegas. She was getting some tattoos for Star Wars Day from our friend Mia Dean. Mia is an amazing human being, artist, storyteller, and someone who I would love to get to know more… but I have probably fucked that up with my usual bullshit. They are an artist and a professional. I am a Degenerate with a Christmas fetish.

So what was I going to get for my first tattoo? There were a TON of ideas, but I had to restrain myself to the theme – Star Wars. And of all the iconography of that fandom, one speaks to me more than others…

No, not Jar Jar.

Darth Vader. Mysterious past, attraction to older, seemingly unattainable women, generational daddy issues, children who reshape the universe, descending to madness over a woman, redemption arc… he has it all!

But can we put a Santa hat on him?

We were talking with Mia and I asked for two adjustments. The first was putting a cigarette in his mouth/vent. I am not condoning smoking and one day hope to not be a smoker. But occasionally both Anakin & I both need a cigarette. The second was having a purple Santa hat, instead of the traditional red – because I am anything but traditional.

Placement was another thought. I want it to be visible to myself and others. One of my many tattoo ideas was a Deatheater mark from Harry Potter. Since I am not that invested in that fandom, I shan’t be getting anything that gives credence to a bigot author – I will use the placement. Summoning abilities will be determined later.

With John Williams’ musical score in the background, Mia went to work. And so did my mouth, making inappropriate jokes and comments. It wasn’t pain or nerves (though it might be), it was simply being in the moment of transformation. I wasn’t making art – I was becoming art. This tattoo will never be duplicated or reproduced. An original work by one Mia Dean on the prototype chaos engine known as me.

I can no longer say I don’t have any tattoos. I now have a permanent reminder that I am worth a splurge from time to time. I now have a great conversation starter as the cashier at the fast food place next door said, “is that Darth Vader in a Santa hat?” when I placed my order.

Like I didn’t already make good first impressions.